Difficult decissions

This is probably one of the hardest posts I've written to date. Bear with me, this is probably going to be all over the place, but here you will find the reasons I am withdrawing from Mamavation. :(

I have a medical condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. I have not mentioned it in this blog before now. I have another blog that I was writing about my battle with this condition, but I have lost access to it - I don't remember the log in information for it. This link  will take you to the first entry that gives a little more information on this condition. And this one  comes from HS-USA, a nonprofit public 501c3 charity out of Michigan. I'm not going to bore you with details, but if you have other questions please feel free to contact me and I will do my best to answer. The purpose of this post isn't my medical condition - directly. It's about how it has affected my life recently and how it has contributed to some decisions I've had to make in the last few days.

I've been having some serious flair ups recently. The reality of this condition is adding to my already low self image. It is taking it's toll on my relationships - most importantly my marriage. While I want to vent, and tell you exactly how, I won't. That's a bit personal.

I am in pain. Almost constantly. I currently have four HS sores in two places. They hurt. They make activities of daily living difficult. The pain adds to depression. It is getting difficult to hide now. It is very difficult to smile on the outside while I'm dying on the inside. I try really hard not to allow my children to see this. I try not to let my friends and family see it. So while I'm smiling, laughing and cutting up in my usual way - it's fake. All for show. I cry. A lot. Depression, pain, worry. All of these are reason for my tears.

And now the difficult decisions I was talking about. I have decided to pull out of the Mamavation Mom Campaign application process. The pain of the workouts is too much to bear. It hurts emotionally to do this. Another reason for the depression. This damn disease is affecting my social life. I have also decided that it would be best for me to leave the sistahood. I don't want to leave either of these things, but I feel I have no choice. I don't feel it would be right for me to stay in the group when I can't be a source of encouragement for the wonderful sistas. I understand that the group is also a source of encouragement for me, but I don't feel right receiving encouragement when I can't give in return.

I have met some amazing ladies since I pledged and was accepted into the Mamavation Sistahood. I feel lucky to have known them, even if only online. In one of my bouts of self pity crying I went through my facebook profile and removed myself from the Mamavation group on facebook and removed these ladies from my friend list. Why? Not because I don't love each and every one of them. Not because I don't care about them and want to watch their continued success. It's because I don't think it would be right for me to continue to have them on my newsfeed. I can't really explain it. I had instant regret for many of them. Especially those that I have built, what I feel like, was a true friendship.  I already miss them so much.

I know that much of this is vague, and for this I am sorry. I just felt like I needed to give some resemblance of an explanation to the Mamavation Sistas. At the same time, I don't want to bring y'all down so I'm not giving too much detail. 

If you believe in the power of prayer, please say a prayer for me. Please pray for my marriage. Please pray for research for Hidradenitis Suppurativa, that they will develop a real treatment or even a cure.

And for the Mamavation ladies ~ Keep up the good work! I have faith in each and every one of you. I have no doubt that y'all will reach your goals!

Love to y'all.